Chemo Desert

Today is a good day. I am finally feeling more myself, and the best news is that I am alone! My older two kids had a fun educational day already planned and a friend took Ethan for a play date this afternoon. So the kids are having fun, and I can do as I choose without having to dread the next “Mom, can you get….” I thought that I would surely sleep all afternoon while they are gone, but once I ate lunch I realized that I needed something more than sleep. I needed some time to just ponder God’s Word and be quiet.

I will not lie. This last chemo treatment was pretty rough. It seems like with each one I start feeling bad sooner and it lasts longer. This time I continued on into Monday with my fever and discomfort. It really is hard to describe how it feels that first weekend. I am pretty miserable from head to toe. It is hard to just make myself take a drink and yet I know I need to. But when it starts to lift Darren says it is obvious just by the way I look and act. Maybe it is the fact that I'm sitting up. :o)

Today though is the beginning of the better days. I'm still tired and achy, but better. I was told by my doctor that I am now anemic. I asked her what I could do to help this situation and she said nothing. My anemia is caused by the chemo suppressing my bone marrow. This is a different kind of anemia than normal, so taking iron will not really help. Only time to heal will help. She also told me that if it gets low enough that she can give me a blood transfusion to help me with red blood cells. I am a ways from that point now though, so at this point I must get used to the tiredness. I must have looked pretty sad though this weekend when I managed the stairs and plopped down on the couch breathing heavy.

But enough about the physical. As chemo makes me more tired, I can see how that starts to affect my mood and spirit. This weekend at times I found myself a little more desperate than in weeks past. At those times it is so easy to look forward and say I can’t do it. And yet I know it is important to just stay in the moment and not get ahead of myself. We are not asked to finish the whole race in one day. Just one little piece of it. But when we aren’t feeling well why then do we remind ourselves of future hurdles when the one we are on is big enough?

So that is why I wanted to spend a little more time in the Bible today. I wanted to refresh myself. To remind myself that I am not alone. As I thought about it, it felt like the weekend was a desert. Very dry and barren. With not much to give life. It was something to be endured. I wanted to make sure though that it wouldn’t keep me down. I do not want to obsess about it because I know I must do it one more time. So I turned to the Psalms. I can always find a Psalm to relate to no matter how I am feeling. I love that about the Psalms. Today I was drawn to a very familiar Psalm – Psalm 139. Verses 7-10 say:

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Isn’t that beautiful? No matter what I go through or where I go I am never alone. God will always be there guiding me. In the lowest of the lows He is there comforting. In the highest of the highs He is there for me to praise. That is what I needed today. Just to remember that no matter what I am not alone. My God is there with me and always will be!