So Long Chemo You're History

I’m done with chemo! Yes, it is official. And I’m done with the worst of the side effects I think. What a relief! Now I just have to be patient as I wait for my body to heal and slowly get back to normal. My legs are still sore and weak, and I get tired really easily but that is to be expected. I know not to expect too much until I get a month out from my last treatment. After all, I’m used to the symptoms for the first three weeks after a treatment, but at least this time I know that as I make positive strides I won’t have to watch them disappear with another treatment. Yeah!

I am thankful for so much even though chemo wasn’t much fun. I am thankful for the great support our family got from our church, family, and friends. All the meals that were brought, offers to help watch the boys, and encouraging cards, words and prayers have meant so much to me. I know that I could not have done this without all the help. Thank you so much!

I am also thankful that I still have all my nails, eye brows, and lashes. I also did not have any major complications from the chemo. I did not even get the cold my boys have had. I know that God has been protecting me from the worst possibilities as I go through this.  

So what is next? That is the question I get asked the most now. I meet with my oncologist and my radiation oncologist on August 8. On that day I expect to discuss what comes next. I know that I need to start taking a new drug because of the estrogen receptors of my cancer. I’m sure we will discuss this. I also know already that I need radiation. I will be meeting with that doctor to discuss when this will start. I’ll let you know more about this as I find it out. 

Last chemo treatment

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my last chemo treatment. I feel like I should be more excited about this than I am. Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that this process will be over soon. I can’t wait to start feeling better consistently. But right now I am focused on what I have to do. The weekend after chemo is not fun, and I feel like I need to get through this before I can truly think about this thing ending. It’s hard to be excited about doing something that will make you sick. Check back with me on Tuesday, and I will be a lot more relieved to be through the worst of it. 

Yesterday as I was thinking about starting the chemo treatment process again, I opened up Our Daily Bread to see what the devotion was for the day. Of course it would have to apply. God is like that isn’t He? Here are some of the verses that were in it:

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  II Corinthians 12:7-10

That gave me something to think about yesterday. Paul’s attitude about his “thorn in the flesh” is awesome. I wonder though how long it took him to progress to the point of taking pleasure in his infirmity. From what I have read no one knows what his problem was. My Bible notes say that it may have been an eye problem, malaria, or epilepsy. Who knows. I think he intentionally doesn’t tell us because it is not the most important part. But since many scholars think that it is a physical ailment, it makes it easy for me to relate. I guess I now have a thorn in the flesh.

I definitely relate to the praying multiple times for it to be taken away. I think I can understand where Paul was when he asked not to have to deal with his illness anymore. But look at God’s answer to that prayer. God doesn’t say, “Yes I will do this for you like you would like.” No, He answers, “No, child there is a reason for this illness. I know it is hard, but I will be with you through this. The reason for this illness is to show you and others that I am all you need. If you were strong physically, you may start to think that you can do it on your own. This illness will help you to lean on Me more. My strength will shine through brightly then.” Well those weren’t God’s exact words. His are in the Bible, but this is my paraphrase. 

I wonder how Paul felt when he got this answer. Was he angry for a short time? Sad? Or did he get it right away? I know that I have gone through many emotions as I deal with cancer. But however he initially felt, we know his end thoughts. He wants to speak of his weaknesses not what he as a person can do. If he is going to go around talking about something, it is going to be how God has used his illness to bring glory to Himself. Paul realizes that through this illness he is closer to God. He doesn’t like the illness, but he knows that God is using it in his life. And this leads to his last statement. He actually says that he takes pleasure in his illness and other problems because he knows then that God’s strength is helping him. Wow!

I don’t know about you, but I am not quite to the last part. I understand that God is using cancer in my life. I know that it has made me draw closer to Him. I know that I can’t do it all on my own. But I don’t think that I can say that I am happy that I have cancer yet. I guess I am still a work in progress. But I have actually heard a woman say that same thing to me. She is a wonderful Christian woman and she told me that she is glad for the cancer because of what it has done for her spiritual life. She takes pleasure in her close relationship with God, and knows that the cancer –her weakness - has been used to bring this about. Maybe someday I will be able to say the same thing. Until then please pray for me this weekend if you think about it. It won’t be fun, but I know that God is with me and will use this process to His benefit in my life.

Chemo Desert

Today is a good day. I am finally feeling more myself, and the best news is that I am alone! My older two kids had a fun educational day already planned and a friend took Ethan for a play date this afternoon. So the kids are having fun, and I can do as I choose without having to dread the next “Mom, can you get….” I thought that I would surely sleep all afternoon while they are gone, but once I ate lunch I realized that I needed something more than sleep. I needed some time to just ponder God’s Word and be quiet.

I will not lie. This last chemo treatment was pretty rough. It seems like with each one I start feeling bad sooner and it lasts longer. This time I continued on into Monday with my fever and discomfort. It really is hard to describe how it feels that first weekend. I am pretty miserable from head to toe. It is hard to just make myself take a drink and yet I know I need to. But when it starts to lift Darren says it is obvious just by the way I look and act. Maybe it is the fact that I'm sitting up. :o)

Today though is the beginning of the better days. I'm still tired and achy, but better. I was told by my doctor that I am now anemic. I asked her what I could do to help this situation and she said nothing. My anemia is caused by the chemo suppressing my bone marrow. This is a different kind of anemia than normal, so taking iron will not really help. Only time to heal will help. She also told me that if it gets low enough that she can give me a blood transfusion to help me with red blood cells. I am a ways from that point now though, so at this point I must get used to the tiredness. I must have looked pretty sad though this weekend when I managed the stairs and plopped down on the couch breathing heavy.

But enough about the physical. As chemo makes me more tired, I can see how that starts to affect my mood and spirit. This weekend at times I found myself a little more desperate than in weeks past. At those times it is so easy to look forward and say I can’t do it. And yet I know it is important to just stay in the moment and not get ahead of myself. We are not asked to finish the whole race in one day. Just one little piece of it. But when we aren’t feeling well why then do we remind ourselves of future hurdles when the one we are on is big enough?

So that is why I wanted to spend a little more time in the Bible today. I wanted to refresh myself. To remind myself that I am not alone. As I thought about it, it felt like the weekend was a desert. Very dry and barren. With not much to give life. It was something to be endured. I wanted to make sure though that it wouldn’t keep me down. I do not want to obsess about it because I know I must do it one more time. So I turned to the Psalms. I can always find a Psalm to relate to no matter how I am feeling. I love that about the Psalms. Today I was drawn to a very familiar Psalm – Psalm 139. Verses 7-10 say:

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Isn’t that beautiful? No matter what I go through or where I go I am never alone. God will always be there guiding me. In the lowest of the lows He is there comforting. In the highest of the highs He is there for me to praise. That is what I needed today. Just to remember that no matter what I am not alone. My God is there with me and always will be!