Last chemo treatment

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my last chemo treatment. I feel like I should be more excited about this than I am. Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that this process will be over soon. I can’t wait to start feeling better consistently. But right now I am focused on what I have to do. The weekend after chemo is not fun, and I feel like I need to get through this before I can truly think about this thing ending. It’s hard to be excited about doing something that will make you sick. Check back with me on Tuesday, and I will be a lot more relieved to be through the worst of it. 

Yesterday as I was thinking about starting the chemo treatment process again, I opened up Our Daily Bread to see what the devotion was for the day. Of course it would have to apply. God is like that isn’t He? Here are some of the verses that were in it:

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  II Corinthians 12:7-10

That gave me something to think about yesterday. Paul’s attitude about his “thorn in the flesh” is awesome. I wonder though how long it took him to progress to the point of taking pleasure in his infirmity. From what I have read no one knows what his problem was. My Bible notes say that it may have been an eye problem, malaria, or epilepsy. Who knows. I think he intentionally doesn’t tell us because it is not the most important part. But since many scholars think that it is a physical ailment, it makes it easy for me to relate. I guess I now have a thorn in the flesh.

I definitely relate to the praying multiple times for it to be taken away. I think I can understand where Paul was when he asked not to have to deal with his illness anymore. But look at God’s answer to that prayer. God doesn’t say, “Yes I will do this for you like you would like.” No, He answers, “No, child there is a reason for this illness. I know it is hard, but I will be with you through this. The reason for this illness is to show you and others that I am all you need. If you were strong physically, you may start to think that you can do it on your own. This illness will help you to lean on Me more. My strength will shine through brightly then.” Well those weren’t God’s exact words. His are in the Bible, but this is my paraphrase. 

I wonder how Paul felt when he got this answer. Was he angry for a short time? Sad? Or did he get it right away? I know that I have gone through many emotions as I deal with cancer. But however he initially felt, we know his end thoughts. He wants to speak of his weaknesses not what he as a person can do. If he is going to go around talking about something, it is going to be how God has used his illness to bring glory to Himself. Paul realizes that through this illness he is closer to God. He doesn’t like the illness, but he knows that God is using it in his life. And this leads to his last statement. He actually says that he takes pleasure in his illness and other problems because he knows then that God’s strength is helping him. Wow!

I don’t know about you, but I am not quite to the last part. I understand that God is using cancer in my life. I know that it has made me draw closer to Him. I know that I can’t do it all on my own. But I don’t think that I can say that I am happy that I have cancer yet. I guess I am still a work in progress. But I have actually heard a woman say that same thing to me. She is a wonderful Christian woman and she told me that she is glad for the cancer because of what it has done for her spiritual life. She takes pleasure in her close relationship with God, and knows that the cancer –her weakness - has been used to bring this about. Maybe someday I will be able to say the same thing. Until then please pray for me this weekend if you think about it. It won’t be fun, but I know that God is with me and will use this process to His benefit in my life.