How is chemo like pregnancy?

When I start to describe how I feel, I get this question all the time. Honestly I think I’ve been comparing chemo to pregnancy too probably because some things remind me of it and also because it is the only major thing I have been through. Before I started this breast cancer journey, my only surgery was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I had never been hospitalized and never broken a bone. If I got tired, sore or sick, I usually applied one of two methods of treatment: if bad, rest for a day or two and then expect to feel like myself again or if mild, push through it as much as I can even though I don’t feel 100%. Those methods seemed to work for me then, but I’m finding that with chemo I might have to recognize that I have limitations.

But back to how chemo and pregnancy are similar. The nausea especially on an empty stomach is just like how I had morning sickness. I never threw up while pregnant, but I had to force myself to eat the whole first trimester. Strong smells gagged me, and I didn’t enjoy eating. Chemo is very similar for me in this way. An empty stomach is an unhappy stomach. Interestingly this second treatment I have had a lot less of this nausea. Strong smells still bother me, but the nausea waking up has not been as bad. Another familiar area is heartburn. By the third trimester I had heartburn. Yuck. Chemo causes lots of this. My first treatment I was pretty miserable every night, so my doctor told me to start taking Prilosec. Prilosec is one of those meds that you need to build up in your system to be fully effective, so I never really felt it helped much last time. The good news is though that unless things change I think it is working this time. So if it seems like I’m having less GI issues this time I would say that is true. My big complaint this time is constipation. Not pleasant but I feel like I am better off this time than last. Yes!

Fatigue and tiredness is another big area. This one is not a lot like pregnancy at least for me. I had relatively easy pregnancies. I know others have a lot more issues. I remember that my last pregnancy I was more tired, achy, and uncomfortable than any other. I remember it would manifest with me pushing too far and being in the middle of Wal-Mart with two little children by myself and wishing I could just sit down in the aisle and beam myself back home and to my couch. I would then get irritable, but I would make it home. Stairs were not fun nine months pregnant, but I could do them. I even took walks pushing a stroller some. Tiredness right after a baby was born was bad. I felt like I was in a fog all day and just wanted to take a nap. Chemo is different. I think I have always equated the clearness of my mind with how tired I am. If I can think clearly, then my body can do whatever my mind wants it too. That is not so now. My head is totally clear and I feel good, so my head tells my body that it is a normal day and to get to it. And then I stand up. And my legs struggle with the process. They actually feel shaky sometimes. Like I have aged 40 years or something. Stairs are now like climbing a mountain. I can start out at a good clip but by half way I start to feel my muscles cramping and getting really shaky. I have never experienced this before.

One new symptom that I have started to have is night sweats. I had them right after pregnancy too for a week or two while my hormones crashed. This time I know that they are the start of a process that must happen. I’m not excited to start this process in my 30s but I know I must. I also know that it will get worse one way or another – if chemo doesn’t finish the process then surgery will. I guess since this is one symptom that I cannot take a medication to get rid of I’m going to have to learn to adjust to it.

So that is how chemo and pregnancy compare at least according to me. Hope that my descriptions make it a little easier to picture what it is like. Oh and I thought I’d post a picture of me in a scarf. At first I didn’t think I was going to take any pictures of me without hair, but I guess I’m embracing this stage in life. I wouldn’t have gone out and sought it. But now that it is here, I’m not going to think of myself as a victim of chemo or cancer either. It is not ideal but really little in life is. I’m learning that slowly and also to accept the bumps in the road that I can do nothing about. Even a perfectionist can come to terms with that. Which is good because it means being gentler on myself with perceived and real imperfections. Maybe that is one of the lessons I am learning through this.