A Song that Means So Much to Me

A friend of mine sang this Meredith Andrews song Sunday at church. The first time I heard this song was at the Hearts at Home conference in March. The week before the conference I had found out that my cancer had returned. I had gone through the low lows of hearing my cancer was back and that I needed to have tests to determine if it had spread. I had experienced the high of finding out that my PET scan had come back clean, and I was still Stage 1. I went to the conference determined to have a good day worshipping my God with my sister and friends. And while there God really used this song to speak to me. While Meredith sang this song for us, I sat there and cried because I knew what it was saying to my heart was true. That day this song kind of became my song for this part of my cancer journey. Last year I had another song that meant a lot to me. Maybe sometime soon I will write about that song.

"Not For A Moment (After All)"
MEREDITH ANDREWS

[Verse 1]
You were reaching through the storm
Walking on the water
Even when I could not see
In the middle of it all
When I thought You were a thousand miles away
Not for a moment did You forsake me
Not for a moment did You forsake me

[Chorus]
After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

[Verse 2]
You were singing in the dark
Whispering Your promise
Even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
Carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me

[Chorus]

And every step every breath you are there
Every tear every cry every prayer
In my hurt at my worst
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

[Chorus]
Not for a moment will You forsake me

God so often speaks to me through music. As soon as the song began, it immediately got my attention because I could so relate to the verses. I understand the feeling of being utterly alone in the middle of a dark storm. We often feel that way in our biggest trials, and we wonder where God is. If He cares. But He has not gone anywhere. He has told us in Hebrews 13:5 that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

I also really love the verse that talks of how He is whispering to us in our trial. We cannot hear Him for whatever reason, but He is still whispering. For me it reminds me of a radio that is not tuned in. The station is still playing the song, but I cannot hear it because my radio is not tuned to it properly. But if I adjust the tuning knob, then all of a sudden I can hear the station loud and clear. The same is true with God. He is always there. He never leaves us. If we can’t hear Him it doesn’t mean that He is not talking to us. It just means that we need to adjust ourselves and try tuning in His voice better. I think we can do this by reading the Bible and memorizing verses. If you have the verses locked away in your heart, then God can use them later to help you. We can also tune in to God through prayer and for me good music.  For me that day this song came in loud and clear. I heard God’s promises to me, and I knew that He wanted me to hear them that day and to remember.

I also love the chorus. I love how she reminds herself and us that God is constant. He never changes. He is the same God today as He was 4000 years ago. What Noah, Abraham, and Isaac learned about Him has not changed.  He is still the same today. And He will be the same 4000 years in the future. Isn’t that cool!

He is also only good. God can only do good. He is not some dictator sitting up in heaven manipulating people like pieces of a chess game just to see them squirm. There is no evil in Him. He is unable to even do evil. God is love. He has promised us that He loves us and that He will work all things out for good (Romans 8:28). Even the trials that bring us to very dark times in our lives. We can trust Him.

He is sovereign. He is always in control. He is all-knowing, all-present, and all-powerful. His very nature demands our worship and praise. Some people are offended by the idea that God could know that something bad could happen to one of His children and that He would not stop it. They think that this is not loving. But if we are to really try and learn more about God, we must look at what the whole Bible has to say about God. It is not always easy to understand. I won’t try and say that I have it all figured out. But I do know that the Bible tells us that God allows thing to happen to us sometimes in order for us to grow.  

If you have given your life to Him already, then He is trying to use these hard times to bring you closer to Him. Make you more like Him. I love Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  It can be painful but it is definitely effective. Just like athletes must push their bodies to the limit to grow stronger and faster, so must we spiritually. Pain is not fun but it is needed sometimes to grow. But no matter how bad it gets. How dark the storm is. He will be there with us. Comforting us. He will never push us so far that we can’t take it (I Cor 10:13). The goal is not to destroy us but to build us up. I admit that it may seem like a strange way to go about it, but we can trust God. We might never fully understand why we go through something, but we can trust God and know that He is in control.

If you have not given your life to Christ yet, then He will use hard times to help you to realize that you do need Him. He loves you and wants what is best for you. He has made this world and everything in it, so He has a right to make the rules here on Earth too. You might not like that. The first man on this planet couldn’t even follow one simple rule, and that is what got us all in trouble. Now we all have this desire to make our own rules. Run our own life. Be our own person. And we tell ourselves that we deserve it. That it is our right. But if God really is who He says He is, then He has every right to tell us how best to go about things. He is the parent and we are the kids that don’t know better but think we do. He has given us the Bible not to be an unloving dictator but to be a loving parent guiding us. He wants you to realize fully who He is. Acknowledge that He has a right to be worshipped. He wants nothing more than for you to do this.

So as I go for my next chemo treatment tomorrow, I will keep this song close to my heart. The song and all the promises it reminds me of. I am not looking forward to being sick again, but I know that God will be with me. I can count on Him!

How is chemo like pregnancy?

When I start to describe how I feel, I get this question all the time. Honestly I think I’ve been comparing chemo to pregnancy too probably because some things remind me of it and also because it is the only major thing I have been through. Before I started this breast cancer journey, my only surgery was to have my wisdom teeth removed. I had never been hospitalized and never broken a bone. If I got tired, sore or sick, I usually applied one of two methods of treatment: if bad, rest for a day or two and then expect to feel like myself again or if mild, push through it as much as I can even though I don’t feel 100%. Those methods seemed to work for me then, but I’m finding that with chemo I might have to recognize that I have limitations.

But back to how chemo and pregnancy are similar. The nausea especially on an empty stomach is just like how I had morning sickness. I never threw up while pregnant, but I had to force myself to eat the whole first trimester. Strong smells gagged me, and I didn’t enjoy eating. Chemo is very similar for me in this way. An empty stomach is an unhappy stomach. Interestingly this second treatment I have had a lot less of this nausea. Strong smells still bother me, but the nausea waking up has not been as bad. Another familiar area is heartburn. By the third trimester I had heartburn. Yuck. Chemo causes lots of this. My first treatment I was pretty miserable every night, so my doctor told me to start taking Prilosec. Prilosec is one of those meds that you need to build up in your system to be fully effective, so I never really felt it helped much last time. The good news is though that unless things change I think it is working this time. So if it seems like I’m having less GI issues this time I would say that is true. My big complaint this time is constipation. Not pleasant but I feel like I am better off this time than last. Yes!

Fatigue and tiredness is another big area. This one is not a lot like pregnancy at least for me. I had relatively easy pregnancies. I know others have a lot more issues. I remember that my last pregnancy I was more tired, achy, and uncomfortable than any other. I remember it would manifest with me pushing too far and being in the middle of Wal-Mart with two little children by myself and wishing I could just sit down in the aisle and beam myself back home and to my couch. I would then get irritable, but I would make it home. Stairs were not fun nine months pregnant, but I could do them. I even took walks pushing a stroller some. Tiredness right after a baby was born was bad. I felt like I was in a fog all day and just wanted to take a nap. Chemo is different. I think I have always equated the clearness of my mind with how tired I am. If I can think clearly, then my body can do whatever my mind wants it too. That is not so now. My head is totally clear and I feel good, so my head tells my body that it is a normal day and to get to it. And then I stand up. And my legs struggle with the process. They actually feel shaky sometimes. Like I have aged 40 years or something. Stairs are now like climbing a mountain. I can start out at a good clip but by half way I start to feel my muscles cramping and getting really shaky. I have never experienced this before.

One new symptom that I have started to have is night sweats. I had them right after pregnancy too for a week or two while my hormones crashed. This time I know that they are the start of a process that must happen. I’m not excited to start this process in my 30s but I know I must. I also know that it will get worse one way or another – if chemo doesn’t finish the process then surgery will. I guess since this is one symptom that I cannot take a medication to get rid of I’m going to have to learn to adjust to it.

So that is how chemo and pregnancy compare at least according to me. Hope that my descriptions make it a little easier to picture what it is like. Oh and I thought I’d post a picture of me in a scarf. At first I didn’t think I was going to take any pictures of me without hair, but I guess I’m embracing this stage in life. I wouldn’t have gone out and sought it. But now that it is here, I’m not going to think of myself as a victim of chemo or cancer either. It is not ideal but really little in life is. I’m learning that slowly and also to accept the bumps in the road that I can do nothing about. Even a perfectionist can come to terms with that. Which is good because it means being gentler on myself with perceived and real imperfections. Maybe that is one of the lessons I am learning through this.

Going, going, gone

Yep my hair is no longer. It had been falling out since last Thursday. At first just small amounts, but by yesterday it was coming out in large quantities. In the evening my hair was looking pretty thin in some places, and I decided it was time for this process to be over. You have no idea what a mess it is to lose your hair until you are dealing with it. So I took the process into my own hands –well my husband’s hands - and shaved off the rest.  We first decided to cut it down to ¾ inch, but as soon as my hair was that length I realized that that was not going to work. My scalp is very sensitive right now in some places. I was warned to expect this when my hair was falling out, but it really is quite annoying. Last night I found out quickly that short, short hair covered with a scarf turns into a torture device. The little hairs felt like needles being poked into my head. Ouch! So I am now bald, and by this morning my head is feeling better. I am even able to comfortably wear a scarf on my head.

So how is it being bald? Well I won’t lie and say that it is fine. I do not like not having my hair, but it is maybe not as bad as I thought it would be. I’m sure I will get tired of always having to wear something on my head. Guys have it so much easier. :o) But it is what it is. One of the parts I was most dreading is that now I am a walking advertisement for my cancer. No matter where I go everyone will know that I have cancer. I have had a year to come to terms with my cancer, and I have decided not to try and hide it.  I feel like this is a part of my life now, and if I can help someone else out along the way because of what I am going through then that would make me happy. I don’t mind talking about it, but I hate drawing attention to myself just by walking into a room. This is the part that I wasn’t sure I was ready for – having anyone who glances at me know that I have cancer. I know that I can solve this problem by wearing a wig, but I am not sure that my head could stand a wig at this point. Today though on my first outing, things went well. Sometimes the fear of the unknown is worse than the reality. Maybe this is one of those situations. Let’s hope. The boys are also taking it pretty well I think.

On other topics. Thursday is my next chemo treatment. I am feeling great right now. This past weekend I was able to get out and feel normal. It is awesome doing normal stuff! I am even able to taste most things again.  This is a huge praise! My concerns this time around are:

1.   Will the side effects be worse? I have been told that for many people the side effects tend to get worse as you go. I now know what to expect for light side effects. I am hoping that they do not get much worse.
2. How will having the Neulasta shot (for white blood cell growth) the day after chemo affect me? The first Neulasta shot was not fun for me. Not everyone has problems with it, but I did. It caused bone and muscle pain. Imagine having the respiratory flu and having hurt your back all at the same time. I was pretty achy and had a lot of back muscle spasms. They tell me that this means that the shot was doing its job, but I sure wish it could do its job without telling me about it. :o) This time around I am concerned that the Neulasta side effects will come at the same time as the worst of the chemo side effects.

Once again thanks everyone for all your prayers and support. It means so much to me that everyone cares and wants to help!