What it Feels like to be Told You have Cancer

 I will always remember the day that I was told that I had breast cancer. It was a year ago in March 2012. For months after my mastectomy when I was supposed to be moving on with my life, I would be doing something and without warning it would trigger all the memories, and I would be back in that room hearing the words.

The memory I have isn’t even of the day we actually got the pathology results and knew for sure that I had cancer. That day was to me sort of anticlimactic. On that day I would sit calmly and hear the words, but they would not penetrate deeply. You see, I had prayed so much that God would help me be calm in order to understand all the info that they were going to give me. And God in is wonderful mercy gave me a peace that day. Of course later the emotions would come back, but in that office I was calm and able to really hear what they were telling me.

No, the time I remember often is the day I went to get my biopsy. It was a Friday and I knew that I would not get the results until Monday. I was really nervous that day, and I remember thinking that the radiologist had been acting funny with me from the moment he looked at my ultrasound. But I didn’t know if it was all my imagination or if there was a far more serious reason for his behavior. I felt like there was a tug-of-war going on in my brain with one side saying “That is how he probably always acts and besides 37 year olds do not get breast cancer.” The other side was saying, “Oh no you don’t. You know that sometimes 37 year olds do get cancer. Your cousin got it, and she is just a few years older than you.” So back and forth I would go getting more nervous every minute.

At the end of the biopsy the radiologist left the room and the technician stayed behind to apply pressure to the wound. I cautiously asked her if it was normal for the radiologist not to say much. She told me that each radiologist there was a little different but that all of them would give their opinion if you asked directly for it. Now I was in a predicament. I had driven myself over to the center because I knew I wouldn’t find out anything that day, but the stress was becoming overwhelming and I couldn’t imagine going through the whole weekend like this. So I reasoned that I was doing myself a huge favor by asking for his opinion because the odds were way in my favor that it wasn’t cancer and then I could get this over with.

So they had the radiologist come back in. He asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes. He then proceeded to tell me, “He was very, very concerned with what he saw.” He never even used the “C” word, but it was very obvious what he was saying. It was like the world stopped for just a moment. My brain could not take the words in, but just as suddenly the emotions rushed in. I remember being afraid that I would die really young. I remember thinking of all the things I would not get to see – like my kids getting married and having their first babies, graduating from high school, or growing old with my husband. The technicians let me cry and tried to comfort me, but the whole time I was still lying on the procedure table with pressure being applied to my biopsy site. Not exactly the way most people find out they have cancer I’m sure.

Eventually, I got myself together and even drove myself home, but I kept thinking the whole way home how hard it was going to be to tell Darren. I mean how do you tell your husband that in your stupidity you decided to get your results early and now I need to inform you that I most likely have breast cancer?

One of the big feelings that I dealt with the whole weekend we had to wait to find out for sure that I had cancer was the feeling of abandonment. I just remember crying and feeling like I was so alone. I kept feeling like God must have abandoned me and left me to find my way through this. I didn’t feel like I could feel His presence near me. I was also dealing with lots of anxiety issues that I had never dealt with before. I would find my heart would start racing and my breathing would get real shallow. I would even start to feel dizzy and light headed.

It was during that long weekend though that I got the idea to try and read my Bible every time I started feeling anxious or scared. I would just slip away and find a quiet place to read. And do you know what? It worked better than anything else. As I was reading God’s promises, I could feel my heart slow and my mind stop racing. I felt like the words on that page of the Bible were giving me a hug and telling me that I wasn’t alone. You see, I do not know why I felt so abandoned at first. I already knew all the verses that I was reading, but for some reason it took seeing them in print to start to trigger the comfort. I knew then that my God had not abandoned me, and He would help me through this long process.

Here are some of the verses I go to for comfort:

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5,6

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 17:6