A Tiring Week and Focusing on the Important

I’ve been having one of those weeks. Not the worst in the world but by the end of it I’m tired. It kind of feels like things have been piling up on me and I’m ready for a break. And here is the thing. It has little to do with radiation. That has been going pretty smoothly still. I am now a little itchy and sore in places, but it is not a big problem. Radiation is the easy part. It was the rest of life this week that was tiring.

When I’m having one of those weeks, it can be hard to figure out how it all started. I know a couple things that triggered the beginning of it, but trying to analyze it I wonder why it is bothering me so much. I mean compared to all the other things that I have dealt with why now is this such an issue? Isn’t that weird? I can go through chemo without huge issues and now something little trips me up. But it was something I didn’t know to expect. Something that caught me totally by surprise. And I am not very good with surprises.

What is it? Well it will sound small and petty but here it is. My hair is coming in - yes that is the good part. But it is coming in all gray! Darren says it isn’t as bad as I think, but at least to me it looks dark gray. If I would have known this was even a possibility, I would have not been so shocked. But I didn’t get the memo. I didn’t know that the phrase “your hair can come in a different color” was code for if it comes in a different color it is likely to be jet black, gray, or white. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a 39 year old had anything to be concerned about in this area.

I know it is not the hugest of issues. I know that there is such a thing as hair dye. And I will use it. But until it gets long enough I have to look at it. And I don’t like it. It makes me feel old. Combining it with my new stiff joints and hot flashes only makes it worse. How did I skip past my 40s? Where did they go? When did I get old? And it’s kind of funny because every once in a while I kind of forget that I have cancer. And then I remember… and I think - is it really happening to me? But one look in the mirror reminds me. Or I roll over in bed in the morning and my fingers don’t want to work right. Who is this new person? I’m not sure I like her.

So I have to remind myself that this body is just temporary. All of us if we live long enough will experience it breaking down. What matters is the heart and soul – the eternal. And through these trials I hope that I’m learning what it is my Father would have me to learn. I read in a book recently that our job daily is just to focus on that day. On pleasing God and doing what He would have me to do that day. My job is not to worry about the future and what it might bring. 

When I get a little down, that is when the doubts start to assail me. I remember that this is a recurrence and that is a scary thing to think about. I worry about my odds. I wonder what the future holds. But that is not my job. Today is my job. And I know that God would not want me to be overly concerned about the exact percentage of chance of a new recurrence. That is not the important thing. So I refocus my thinking on God and what I should be doing today. Just today. I try not to look too far in the future. After all who knows what will actually happen. 

This all reminds me of the section in Matthew 6 about worry. The verse that concludes that section says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I guess that pretty much sums it all up doesn’t it?