I’ve been having one of those weeks. Not the worst in the
world but by the end of it I’m tired. It kind of feels like things have been piling
up on me and I’m ready for a break. And here is the thing. It has little to do
with radiation. That has been going pretty smoothly still. I am now a little
itchy and sore in places, but it is not a big problem. Radiation is the easy
part. It was the rest of life this week that was tiring.
When I’m having one of those weeks, it can be hard to figure
out how it all started. I know a couple things that triggered the beginning of
it, but trying to analyze it I wonder why it is bothering me so much. I mean
compared to all the other things that I have dealt with why now is this such an
issue? Isn’t that weird? I can go through chemo without huge issues and now
something little trips me up. But it was something I didn’t know to expect.
Something that caught me totally by surprise. And I am not very good with
surprises.
What is it? Well it will sound small and petty but here it
is. My hair is coming in - yes that is the good part. But it is coming in all
gray! Darren says it isn’t as bad as I think, but at least to me it looks dark gray.
If I would have known this was even a possibility, I would have not been so
shocked. But I didn’t get the memo. I didn’t know that the phrase “your hair
can come in a different color” was code for if it comes in a different color it
is likely to be jet black, gray, or white. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a
39 year old had anything to be concerned about in this area.
I know it is not the hugest of issues. I know that there is
such a thing as hair dye. And I will use it. But until it gets long enough I
have to look at it. And I don’t like it. It makes me feel old. Combining it
with my new stiff joints and hot flashes only makes it worse. How did I skip
past my 40s? Where did they go? When did I get old? And it’s kind of funny
because every once in a while I kind of forget that I have cancer. And then I
remember… and I think - is it really happening to me? But one look in the
mirror reminds me. Or I roll over in bed in the morning and my fingers don’t
want to work right. Who is this new person? I’m not sure I like her.
So I have to remind myself that this body is just temporary.
All of us if we live long enough will experience it breaking down. What matters
is the heart and soul – the eternal. And through these trials I hope that I’m
learning what it is my Father would have me to learn. I read in a book recently
that our job daily is just to focus on that day. On pleasing God and doing what
He would have me to do that day. My job is not to worry about the future and
what it might bring.
When I get a little down, that is when the doubts start to
assail me. I remember that this is a recurrence and that is a scary thing to
think about. I worry about my odds. I wonder what the future holds. But that is
not my job. Today is my job. And I know that God would not want me to be overly
concerned about the exact percentage of chance of a new recurrence. That is not
the important thing. So I refocus my thinking on God and what I should be doing
today. Just today. I try not to look too far in the future. After all who knows
what will actually happen.
This all reminds me of the section in Matthew 6 about worry.
The verse that concludes that section says, “Therefore do not worry about
tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of
its own.” I guess that pretty much sums it all up doesn’t it?
Jen hang in there. This too will past. We will continue to pray for you. We love you and your faith in GOD will get you through this.
ReplyDeleteJen, thank you for your honesty and openness. Every time I read one of your blog posts, I am blessed, and reminded to pray!
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly opening yourself up to God's teaching your heart - thanks for sharing that with me (us). Praying for you and now I am reminded to pray for even the little surprises!
ReplyDeleteVery well written, and a good reminder to take just one day at a time.
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