What it Feels like to be Told You have Cancer

 I will always remember the day that I was told that I had breast cancer. It was a year ago in March 2012. For months after my mastectomy when I was supposed to be moving on with my life, I would be doing something and without warning it would trigger all the memories, and I would be back in that room hearing the words.

The memory I have isn’t even of the day we actually got the pathology results and knew for sure that I had cancer. That day was to me sort of anticlimactic. On that day I would sit calmly and hear the words, but they would not penetrate deeply. You see, I had prayed so much that God would help me be calm in order to understand all the info that they were going to give me. And God in is wonderful mercy gave me a peace that day. Of course later the emotions would come back, but in that office I was calm and able to really hear what they were telling me.

No, the time I remember often is the day I went to get my biopsy. It was a Friday and I knew that I would not get the results until Monday. I was really nervous that day, and I remember thinking that the radiologist had been acting funny with me from the moment he looked at my ultrasound. But I didn’t know if it was all my imagination or if there was a far more serious reason for his behavior. I felt like there was a tug-of-war going on in my brain with one side saying “That is how he probably always acts and besides 37 year olds do not get breast cancer.” The other side was saying, “Oh no you don’t. You know that sometimes 37 year olds do get cancer. Your cousin got it, and she is just a few years older than you.” So back and forth I would go getting more nervous every minute.

At the end of the biopsy the radiologist left the room and the technician stayed behind to apply pressure to the wound. I cautiously asked her if it was normal for the radiologist not to say much. She told me that each radiologist there was a little different but that all of them would give their opinion if you asked directly for it. Now I was in a predicament. I had driven myself over to the center because I knew I wouldn’t find out anything that day, but the stress was becoming overwhelming and I couldn’t imagine going through the whole weekend like this. So I reasoned that I was doing myself a huge favor by asking for his opinion because the odds were way in my favor that it wasn’t cancer and then I could get this over with.

So they had the radiologist come back in. He asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes. He then proceeded to tell me, “He was very, very concerned with what he saw.” He never even used the “C” word, but it was very obvious what he was saying. It was like the world stopped for just a moment. My brain could not take the words in, but just as suddenly the emotions rushed in. I remember being afraid that I would die really young. I remember thinking of all the things I would not get to see – like my kids getting married and having their first babies, graduating from high school, or growing old with my husband. The technicians let me cry and tried to comfort me, but the whole time I was still lying on the procedure table with pressure being applied to my biopsy site. Not exactly the way most people find out they have cancer I’m sure.

Eventually, I got myself together and even drove myself home, but I kept thinking the whole way home how hard it was going to be to tell Darren. I mean how do you tell your husband that in your stupidity you decided to get your results early and now I need to inform you that I most likely have breast cancer?

One of the big feelings that I dealt with the whole weekend we had to wait to find out for sure that I had cancer was the feeling of abandonment. I just remember crying and feeling like I was so alone. I kept feeling like God must have abandoned me and left me to find my way through this. I didn’t feel like I could feel His presence near me. I was also dealing with lots of anxiety issues that I had never dealt with before. I would find my heart would start racing and my breathing would get real shallow. I would even start to feel dizzy and light headed.

It was during that long weekend though that I got the idea to try and read my Bible every time I started feeling anxious or scared. I would just slip away and find a quiet place to read. And do you know what? It worked better than anything else. As I was reading God’s promises, I could feel my heart slow and my mind stop racing. I felt like the words on that page of the Bible were giving me a hug and telling me that I wasn’t alone. You see, I do not know why I felt so abandoned at first. I already knew all the verses that I was reading, but for some reason it took seeing them in print to start to trigger the comfort. I knew then that my God had not abandoned me, and He would help me through this long process.

Here are some of the verses I go to for comfort:

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5,6

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Psalm 17:6

How the First Week of Chemo Went

It’s been a week since I started chemo now, and I feel like I have gotten off relatively easy this time. Or at least it hasn’t lived up to my worst fears which can make even a hard thing look at least a little better. I’m hoping that future treatments will not be any harder to handle. My major symptoms that I have been dealing with have been fatigue and gastro-intestinal. The fatigue was greatest over the weekend and in the early part of the week. I have been slowly getting more energy back and I was able to drive myself to my appointment yesterday and not feel totally drained when I got home. My gastro-intestinal track has been very touchy since the weekend. Things like mild nausea that reminded me of morning sickness, heartburn, and abdominal cramping have been what I’ve been dealing with.

The weird thing with chemo is how and when side effects show up. I would have thought that they would all come on suddenly, but they do not. The day after chemo I felt almost 100% myself, but by Monday I was really, really tired and dealing with multiple GI issues. Each side effect seems to have its chosen time to make an appearance. What I’m trying to learn right now is if I have to deal with each side effect nonstop or if they will each choose their own times to disappear between treatments. Let’s hope.

The good news is though that the team at the Illinois Cancer Center is awesome. I had a long appointment yesterday with a wonderful Advanced Practice Nurse who went through each of my side effects and helped to find something that would help. I was not expecting the time she willingly took with me and was very impressed. The only bad thing though is that I now feel like I’m back in the pharmacy business again with the amount of drugs that I have on hand and am currently taking. Heartburn med - check, nausea meds – check,  something for mouth sores – check … I mean how much can one girl really take in a day?

The other thing that we discussed yesterday was my blood counts. My doctor likes to hold off on giving medicine to bring up white blood counts until she sees where they are going to fall to. With white blood cells they hit their low point about a week after a chemo treatment. They will then slowly come back up after that until they are at a safe level to repeat the chemo. Yesterday I found out that I need help with getting my white blood cells to more quickly come back up to safe levels. Luckily there is a shot that they can give you that forces your bones to churn out the white blood cells. It was decided that I would get this shot yesterday and then the day after each new chemo treatment. This will help in the future so that hopefully I don’t get this low again. Until it takes effect this time though, I’ve been told to stay home and be very careful. So even though my energy level is starting to come back up and I feel like I could go somewhere for a short time, I cannot. 

Chemo Treatment #1

Yesterday I had my first chemo treatment. Yes, I was not planning on having it for another week, but I am slowly learning that plans change quickly for cancer treatments. And on the bright side, it was probably a good thing not to have to wait and worry about starting chemo. If you have to do something you really don’t want to, why not get it over with quickly.

The thing was that I had originally been told to expect chemo a couple of weeks after my surgery. I took that to mean that I might start yesterday, but when I called to make the appointment last week they just told me that it was a normal appointment. I even asked, “Is this going to be a chemo treatment?” The nurse said that the doctor always waits three weeks after surgery to start chemo. Imagine my surprise then when the person drawing my blood says that she is leaving in the needle for my treatment. I was not sure I was hearing her right, but she rechecked the computer and told me sure enough there was a treatment scheduled for me after I saw the doctor. I was so shocked! I had been a little paranoid the last week that chemo might be able to start this week. My surgery was tiny and healing quickly. And then the surprise at finding it was true!

When I talked to the doctor, she did indeed clear me for chemo, but she said that I did not have to do it yesterday. She said my choices were yesterday, today, or next week. The thing was my brain was screaming never and that was not a possibility. :o) So after talking it over with Darren, we decided to go for it. After all I actually got a full night’s sleep the night before starting chemo. How else was I going to get that? Yes, it was a surprise but now I’m happy to have it out of the way.

So far, I am feeling good. The infusion went well with no problems. They gave me an anti-nausea drug first that is long acting, so that is awesome. This morning I just had a little nausea but nothing bad. I am told that this is my good day, and later this weekend I will start feeling more crummy. This is my first time through this, so we shall see. Thanks for the prayers!  

Awaiting chemo

Plans have been changing quite quickly in the past couple of weeks. Ever since I went up to Northwestern to get a second opinion, it has been hard for me to keep up with the changes to my treatment. I know it must be hard for everyone else too.

Last Monday I had a port put in so that I will more easily be able to receive chemo. I have very small veins and the chemo nurse felt that they would not last for all of chemo. The port is a device that is implanted just under your skin on my chest. A catheter tube is then connected to it and inserted into a vein in my neck. I was sedated during the process. :o) Living with it has taken some getting used to. The skin can get very itchy in the area if it is irritated by clothing or the car seat belt. Once I’m done with chemo, I can then have it removed.

Then last Friday I had surgery to remove a little more tissue from my chest wall where the cancer was found this second time. The pathologist up at Northwestern felt that the margins around the cancer were too small when I had my biopsy, so the decision was made to take a little more tissue just to be safe. The good news is that this surgery was not very painful for me. The right side of my chest has been pretty much numb since my mastectomy last year. I can feel pressure but my skin has little feeling. Also the path report came back free of cancer so my treatment plan should now be pretty set. I hope.

So what are those plans you ask? Well first up is chemo. I will be starting chemo on Thursday, May 23. The chemo I will be taking is Cytoxan and Taxotere (you may hear it called TC). I will have four doses each three weeks apart. After I am done with chemo I will get a few weeks off and then I will start six or seven weeks of daily radiation treatments. And last but not least I will have a hysterectomy at some point in the near future. Not sure when, but not during chemo.

Why do I need a hysterectomy? Good question. My cancer is still contained to the local breast area. I am still considered Stage 1. The reason I need a hysterectomy is because my cancer is fed by estrogen. There is only one med that a young, premenopausal woman can take to try and block the estrogen. It is called Tamoxifen, and I was on Tamoxifen last year. Since my cancer grew back while on it, I am now considered Tamoxifen resistant. So a stronger method must be used. I have two options. One - surgically remove the ovaries or Two - suppress the ovaries with a medicine. I have chosen the surgical approach.

It sounds like a long road ahead doesn’t it? I admit that it is overwhelming for me to think about the whole treatment plan in its entirety, but piece by piece it is surmountable.  I am sure that I will have a few struggles along the way, but I will get through it… if only I can get started.

My first post

I've finally done it! I have been contemplating starting a blog for a few years now. Not always for the same reasons but the thought has crossed my mind once in a while. So why start now? Well I enjoy writing. Loved writing for women's ministry at New Castle. I can't say I really knew how much I enjoyed writing until then. My main reason for starting the blog now is to keep everyone who is interested informed about me while I proceed through cancer treatments this year. That is probably what I will write about mostly at first, but I do hope to be able to write about other things as they come up. We will have to see where this takes me.

I feel like I'm on an adventure or maybe a long twisting road. I do not know for sure what is around the bend, but I do know that I will never be alone on this journey. My Lord and Savior will always be with me.  Receiving the diagnosis of breast cancer is a scary thing. Having to make the endless decisions about treatment can make even the most decisive question - and I am questioning by nature. But it is through this process that I am learning to lean more and more on God.

The title of the blog comes from a verse in Isaiah. It has been a verse that has meant something to me for as long as I can remember.

"But those who wait on the Lord

Shall renew their strength;

They shall mount up with wings like eagles,

They shall run and not be weary,

They shall walk and not faint."

Isaiah 40:31

When I was a girl I first learned the song in an after-school program called Kids Klub. We learned many verses to song and this verse was no different. I didn't think on the verse much then, but as I grew the song stuck with me. Fast forward to me as a young mom trying desperately to get my first born to sleep. I started singing this song to him. It was kind of ironic though because my soul was often far from peaceful. My mind was going in a million different directions trying to prioritize what to do first if only I could get my baby to sleep! It was through those early years as a mother that I started to realize just what patience was and that I needed all the help I could get when it came to it.

Once I was diagnosed with cancer last year this verse took on more meaning to me. As I said I am not the most patient person. OK not even close, but cancer teaches you one thing quickly. And that is waiting. Whether you want to or not you are forced to wait -- Wait for a pathology report. Wait for a doctor's decision on treatment. Wait to get in to just see a doctor. And all the while your brain is screaming that there is not time to sit around and wait. But you must. And I'm learning that it is in the stillness and quietness of waiting that we can learn so much. It is not easy but I am slowly learning to wait for God's timing. To trust Him more and more.

The picture of an eagle soaring on the wind is such a beautiful one. The idea of not growing tired is a wonderful one. But what is my responsibility according to the verse? To wait on God. It sounds deceptively easy. But you know that it is not. So that is where I am at. I'm learning to wait on God. As I take this journey, I will write. I find that writing helps me to really understand what it is I'm learning.  Read what I write if you want. And thanks for all the prayers and caring that have been shown to me and my family so far!