Health update and Prayers for those affected by tornado

Washington's tornado

I have been meaning to update my blog all week, but the words have not come to me. What can you say that hasn’t already been said about the terrible destruction from Sunday’s tornado that plowed a path through Washington. For those of you who don’t know I live in Eureka, Illinois. Our neighboring town, where my sister lives is Washington. Washington is one of those typical Illinois small towns – easy to love and a great place to raise a family. Now it is not so typical. Now it has a huge scar running down its center. 

Praise the Lord though that only one life was lost! Praise the Lord that my sister’s family and even her house are fine! 

Today I drove over to Washington to go to Walmart. I have been avoiding this trip all week. I even thought of just going to another town for my stuff, but I wanted my first trip through town to be without my kids. To see just a little bit of the destruction in person was heart breaking. My heart goes out to all the people who lost homes. Please continue to pray for them. They have a long, hard road ahead of them.

Health update

I am feeling much better. I am feeling a little stronger every day. I have much to be thankful for. I realized this today when I was running up the stairs to get something. I can again run up the stairs! I am not anemic anymore. My leg muscles do not burn anymore because of the effects of chemo. I even have hair on my head and have started going without a hat! Yes, it is really short. Shorter than any hairstyle I would choose, but I have decided to be OK with it. And a positive is that I’m loving how quickly it can be styled. :o) Guys really do have it much easier than women at least in this area!

My body is healing and hopefully soon all I will be left with are just the scars – reminders of this struggle and also of God’s hand of protection during this time. God has taken good care of me! He really has! Thanks so much for all the prayers!

“So what happens next?” “Are you done?”

 I get those questions a lot. Yes, I guess I am done in a lot of ways. It seems weird to me to say that. This has been a long year. I have been in fight mode for so long that it seems weird to just stop. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but in a way fighting cancer has become a way of life for me. I now have to start getting back to normal. 

I did see my oncologist last week.  All appears to be fine right now. I am kind of in the watching and waiting phase now I guess. I will see her again in three months. At that time I will have another PET scan. Of course the goal of this PET scan is to be totally clear. My first PET scan done right after my biopsy showed a little blip right at the sight of the recurrence. The radiologist said that it could easily have been caused by the recent surgery. This repeat scan will just be verifying that. I am also leaving in my port until then. My doctor doesn’t seem too concerned about my next PET scan. It is more of a precaution. I am not too worried about it right now either. I’m sure when it gets closer I will be a little nervous, but I know I’m in good hands. And I’m trying to remind myself daily of this fact. 

None of us know what the future holds. We think we do. We plan and go about our lives, but sometimes things happen to mess up our plans. Whether it is a tornado or cancer. But no matter what God is still in control! 

Have a great Thanksgiving!!

Surgery Complete

My surgery went well Thursday. There were no surprises, and I was even able to go home the same day. It was a little more painful than I was expecting though. I think that we throw around the term laparoscopic and we kind of minimize the fact that it is still surgery. I am very grateful that we now have the option of laparoscopic surgery. I think that it is awesome that surgery is able to be done in such a way, but I think that we forget that it is still surgery and a drama to our bodies.  The good news though is that even though it was painful, the pain lessens pretty quickly – I’m sure much more quickly than traditional surgery.

I was starting to get around more yesterday. And today I am up even more. Of course now for me I have to make sure that I don’t do too much too soon. If you knew my grandma or my dad, you would know where I inherited my need to be always doing something. If there is a job that I know needs to be done, it keeps calling to me. It is so hard to not just get up and do it. :O)

I have been super tired though so that helps to keep me moving slower. I don’t know if I should blame the effects of anesthesia, healing, hormone changes, or what but I have been super tired. I am hoping that this gets better this week. I am also hoping that this post makes sense because it has been a little harder to put words together the last few days.

One thing that took me by surprise with this surgery was the deep feeling of loss and sadness that I felt. I wasn’t excited about this surgery, but I thought that I had worked through the emotions of it before. Truth be told, I was pretty upset that this surgery might even be suggested last year. From my research I knew it was used some – more in the past than now. I even had the option of doing the Lupron shots last year but I turned them down. I didn’t want to have to go through menopause so young. With cancer the decisions are always hard it seems. You must balance treatment with side effects. You must decide how far you need to go in treatment to do the best you can to kill cancer. But you must know that every step of the way that there will be bad side effects that you will have to live with -some permanently. It is not easy and it takes an emotional toll.

But I had thought through all this already. I had weighed the pros and cons.  I was even in menopause going into the surgery. I wasn’t expecting a lot of surprises. And yet I felt like I had just lost a big part of me. I guess because I had just made it permanent and there was now no chance of going back. I am now extremely glad that I didn’t have this surgery back in May. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would have felt waking up to instant menopause. I would have dealt with all my feelings of loss, the pain and also horrid hot flashes and a big hormone drop. I think that God’s hand was in the details. By doing chemo and then Lupron I was able to go a little more slowly into menopause. Because of this, my hot flashes post surgery have not been very different than they were before. I am very glad of this.

Having gone through this, I would make one recommendation to another woman in my same shoes. If you must make the decision to either suppress or remove your ovaries, give yourself time. Even if you are against the Lupron shots, get at least one before you surgically and permanently put yourself into menopause. Give yourself the extra time to adjust to the idea and the low hormone levels. I am so glad that this is the way it ended up happening for me. I was very knowledgeable about what to expect from the surgery, but it is one thing to know on paper what to expect and another to go through it. 

Next Step - More Surgery

Everything appears to be a go for surgery in two weeks. I have had this surgery on the calendar for a while just to reserve the date with the hospital and surgeon, but I saw my doctor last week to finalize stuff. My surgery will be Thursday, November 7^th. This will hopefully be the last big procedure/treatment I will need for a while.

When I saw my ob/gyn last week, she gave me my options. Options I didn’t know that I had at this point. Back in March she had pushed for a hysterectomy, but on further thought she said that it was really up to me. I could have a hysterectomy or just remove my ovaries. So I took a week to think and pray about the decision.

The only necessary part to remove is the ovaries. My cancer is very estrogen receptor positive which means that estrogen fuels its growth. Since tamoxifen failed me, my only option now is to remove all the estrogen from my body. This will give me the greatest chance at fighting any remaining stray cancer cells. The traditional way to do this is to remove the ovaries. It is for sure but it is also permanent. A newer way to do this is by taking Lupron shots. I received one of these back in August to get me through until I could have surgery. For me, I do not feel comfortable for a number of reasons with doing Lupron shots for the next 5 – 10 years. And this is how long the doctor up in Northwestern thought that I would need to take it to make sure that I was in permanent menopause.

So what did I decide to do? My decision is to not do the hysterectomy. I will now only be removing my ovaries. The name for this is an oophorectomy. It is a smaller surgery than a hysterectomy and can be done completely laparoscopically. My doctor last week did an ultrasound to check my uterus for any problems. It is completely fine and shows no problems caused by taking tamoxifen for a short time. She then put the decision in my lap as to what to do. There are pros and cons to either option of course, but I have chosen this route. I know that other women might make a different decision in my shoes and that is all right.

On another topic, I saw my radiation oncologist yesterday for a follow up. If you could have seen my skin a couple of weeks ago, you would not believe how quickly it healed. Or at least I’m surprised. It now looks like I have a square-shaped tan on my chest. That is all. And most of the tenderness is now gone too. This is a huge praise! I’m so glad to be done with this step of treatment. And the doctor agreed. He has now released me back to my oncologist which means I’m now officially done with radiation!

Thanks for the prayers every step along this path that I have taken! They are much appreciated!

Breast Cancer Awareness

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. It’s kind of hard to not know that with all the pink around isn’t it? And I’ll admit that I’m not a big one for huge advertising promotions. So often the original good cause gets lost in all the rush to brand every product to show that the companies care. I’m not even really a pink-loving girl. But I do feel strongly that young women – all women - should take this disease seriously. And because of that I thought I’d write a little bit about it this month.

I went to my ob/gyn yesterday to discuss my upcoming surgery. I’ll write more on that later when I have it all figured out. While I was there though, she told me that she uses my case with her young patients. She of course does not use my name, and I’m glad she tells other women what has happened to me. You see I didn’t fit into a high-risk category. I don’t have anyone in my family who has had breast cancer except for a great aunt and my cousin. It is true that my cousin was also young when she got breast cancer but both of us have had genetic testing and both of us do not carry the BRCA gene. That means that with today’s knowledge of breast cancer our cancers are not known to be caused by a faulty gene that we inherited. I think a lot of women think that the genetic factor is bigger than it is. I know I hid behind that fact. I thought that the young women that got cancer were mostly women that had huge family histories of the disease so they would know to be concerned. But that simply is not true.

I also used some of the research findings to justify why I didn’t need to worry about breast cancer. Research has shown that having your first baby before 30 and breastfeeding helps with your risk. I had both of those areas covered. According to studies I should have been in an average risk group for breast cancer. But I still got it. At the age of 37.

I’m not saying this to scare everyone. I do not believe that God wants us to live our lives in a state of constant fear that something bad might happen. He tells us to trust Him and not to worry. We know that if we are His children then nothing can happen to us that He does not allow. I fully believe all this is true.

No, the reason I tell you about my story is to remind you that even though what happened to me is rare it can happen –only 5-7 percent of women that get breast cancer are under the age of 40. I don’t want you to be fearful of it. But I do want you to be aware. I had had a baseline mammogram done at age 35. It did not show anything of concern. I also went yearly to my doctor. But I was not doing monthly self checks. And I wish that I had been. I am now for sure! I do not still beat myself up about it though. God in His wonderful mercy allowed me to find my cancer anyway. I found it while putting on my bra.

I just want to encourage all of you women to make sure that you are taking care of yourself in this regard. Go get that first mammogram that you have been putting off. It won’t be your favorite part of the day, but it isn’t the end of the world either. Do those self checks. Make sure you are getting a yearly physical. Do your part and then trust God with the rest. Trust Him that He loves you more than anyone else does. Trust Him that He will help you through anything that might come your way!

Done with Radiation!

Radiation is complete!! Done! Finished! This morning I was able to take the boys to school and then come right back home. I have my whole morning to myself. And it feels good. :o) Now I just need to decide what I am going to do with my mornings.

But maybe not for a little while. For a couple weeks I think I am going to take it easy – or at least try. My body needs the time right now to heal. This week the fatigue has been present quite a bit. I’m not sure if it is the cumulative effect of radiation or if the boost caused it but I am tired. Even right now in the morning I’m tired. I hate the dull head feeling of fatigue, but I know it will get better.

I’m also pretty sore and tender. I was told to expect the skin to continue to get worse for a week after radiation. I actually think it will take longer because some of the area that stopped being treated last week is still continuing to get worse. It is weird to not be getting radiation but every morning to wake up to a larger area that is intensely red. It is like the deep red is just marching right across my chest. And once it gets intensely red and painful the next step for me is for the skin to gray and peel off. I know that sounds really gross and painful. Sorry if it does. It is worse than a bad sunburn peeling, but at least for me I can say that once the old dead skin comes off I am healing pretty quickly. The areas that this has already happened are easily irritated but they do not hurt very much at all. So it is kind of a relief to see the old skin go if it has to so that I can get to the next stage. I’m guessing that I will lose half of the skin in the treated area. I’m not sure how normal this is or not. Each woman reacts differently. The good news though is that the nurse said my body is doing a good job of healing and that everything appears within what would be possibly expected.

There is one more positive. I’m happy that I was able to get through all of radiation without needing to take a break to let my skin heal. My skin didn’t start breaking down until right at the end. I know a break in radiation sounds like a good thing, but I prayed that I wouldn’t need one. It’s the daily hammering at the cancer cells that will kill them. If my skin gets a break to heal then so does the cancer. So I’m very glad that I was able to get through the whole process.

One more thing – I wrote a little about the skin reaction because it is a common side effect of radiation. Everyone is different though. Some will have more or less problems than I had. I do not want to scare anyone off from getting radiation. That is not my intent. Cancer treatments are not easy. It is not always pleasant but it is doable. Radiation is easier than chemo. The side effects usually do not even show up until almost the end. And when they do the nurses are wonderful and can offer help.

And one more thing – I have thought about this often but I don’t think I have ever written about it. I am always open to talking with women who are going through cancer. I have met some really great women that I would not have met had I not had cancer. These women that God has put in my path are wonderful examples of Christians dealing with this disease. God has used these women and our friendships to make me a stronger Christian. I know it would be much harder to go through this without having these relationships. So even if you don’t know me very well, it is OK to just call or email me out of the blue. You have my permission! I would find great joy in being there for you! After all that is what God gives us each other for right?

All Things Radiation

The end of radiation is near! I started my boost treatments today and I found out yesterday during my weekly doctor check-up that I only have 5 boost treatments. I had thought I had 8 boosts, but I had never been told for sure. There was some confusion about all this but it was explained and I’m happy to report that I will be done next Wednesday. WooHoo!

As for how I’m doing physically – I know that just last week I said that radiation was easy, but things can change quickly with medical treatments. While radiation is still much easier than chemo, I have hit the point where it gets a little harder. But it is still doable! And I’m just grateful that I got this far before I started having problems. My skin is now very red, dry and flaky in the whole treatment site, but most of the site is not causing me much problems. The underarm area is where many women seem to have problems and I am not an exception. This area is now a deep red and is very painful and hot. Luckily the radiation nurses are great and have offered some great tips to help. My new favorite is a gel sheet that cools and protects the skin. With it on I was able to get a good night sleep last night. Yay for caring nurses and modern inventions! The other positive note is that the worst areas – my underarm and port area are now not in the boost treatment field. This means that they can start to heal. 

My other new problem is fatigue. I started noticing it the end of last week. This fatigue is different than chemo. I can start the day out fine without much problems, but by the time I get home from radiation I am already starting to feel the tiredness. It comes on slowly in the morning but by late afternoon it can hit pretty hard. Yesterday I felt like a freight train had run over me. Not a good thing especially when I have 3 kiddos in school and 2 of them need help with homework. I am so grateful that I was able to do chemo during the summer. I cannot imagine getting through the school routine and doing that!

So what is a boost you ask? And how is it different? I’m glad you asked. I had been getting whole breast radiation. This means that the treatment field is the whole breast area plus the underarm area where the lymph nodes are. The type of radiation that is used for this is high-energy photon radiation which can penetrate deeply. To minimize damage to the organs the machine is set up so that it administers the radiation in two fields – one on each side of the patient lying on a table. It comes in at an angle just above the surface of the body and way off to the side. This allows it to pass through and not cause damage to the deeper tissue and organs. 

Boost treatments are a lower-energy form of radiation called electron. This is used to treat just the tumor site. For a lumpectomy patient this is the old tumor bed inside the breast. For a mastectomy patient like me it is the scar. The machine is set up so that the radiation is administered directly above you and passes through a special cut out that allows radiation only to treat just the area they want it to.

I hope this explanation makes a little sense and helps to explain a little more what is going on during radiation therapy. Can you tell I love learning about science and medical technology? :o)

I am looking forward to reporting next week that I am done with radiation!

Worry Part 2

I had to tell you about something that happened. I would say that it is surprising but with God I’ve learned to expect the unexpected. And when one of those surprising coincidences happens I’ve learned to really look at what I’m being told through it because God must really want me to get the message.

So what happened? Well Sunday the pastor of my church was speaking on Acts 19:30-41 “Surviving in the Eye of the Storm.” Already you can see a nearness of this sermon to my current life situation, but it didn’t stop there. He continued on and even talked of worrying. He even used the very verses in Matthew 6 that I had been thinking about Friday. Yep I knew that God wanted me to think more about this topic.

Pastor called worry what it is – a sin. I sometimes try to delicately handle the subject. I know it isn’t good for me, but I hate thinking about it as a sin. But that is what it is. This led me to realize that I should approach worry the same way I do any other sin. I should seek to actively war against it. I should pray for help with it when I’m struggling with it. And I should avoid behavior that increases my worry.

You see I know one big thing that causes my worry to increase sometimes. I love to research. I love to learn about new things and try and figure out an explanation to questions that I encounter. But there is a fine line to this when it involves cancer. I know that I have found out a lot of helpful information about cancer and its treatment by my research. Understanding a scary topic helps me to feel more a part of the process. But sometimes my research goes a little out of control. And if I’m honest I know when it is happening. It can start innocently enough sometimes - stumbling on a research paper that uses dire sounding words. It is at this point when I sometimes start to keep researching past the point when it is helpful. I know all it does is cause me to worry. This is what I need to work on.

All this reminded me of Peter walking on the water to Jesus. You remember -Matthew 14? Peter starts out successfully walking on the water. His focus is on Jesus. He is succeeding. And then he looks down. And he sees the water, the wind and the waves. And fear and doubt assail him. What has changed? Jesus is still there. Jesus is still capable of getting him through the situation. The waves were even there to start. What changed was Peter’s focus. He lost focus on Jesus for just one moment and in that moment he started to sink. Down. Down.

It just takes a moment. That is all it takes. One moment of deciding to go down the rabbit trail of “What if.” One moment of focusing more on physical conditions that seem hopeless.  So what do I need to do if I feel myself sinking? Well of course I need to look back up at Jesus. I need to focus on God and His promises for me. It seems so easy to figure out right now. 

I also liked one other thing Pastor said yesterday. He said that if you are a Christian then you already have all you need to survive the storm that you are in. God has already given you all the faith, Biblical understanding, strength, and resources you need to get through it. You don’t need anything more than God and the tools that He has given you. I need to remember that in times of doubt.

And one last thought on the subject that I found yesterday. It is from the book I ‘m continuing to read by Max Lucado called you’ll get through this. The chapter I read yesterday was about waiting on the Lord. In it he says, “To wait, biblically speaking, is not to assume the worst, worry, fret, make demands, or take control. Nor is waiting inactivity. Waiting is a sustained effort to stay focused on God through prayer and belief.”

So that is part two to my thoughts on worry and focus. Isn’t our God awesome!

A Tiring Week and Focusing on the Important

I’ve been having one of those weeks. Not the worst in the world but by the end of it I’m tired. It kind of feels like things have been piling up on me and I’m ready for a break. And here is the thing. It has little to do with radiation. That has been going pretty smoothly still. I am now a little itchy and sore in places, but it is not a big problem. Radiation is the easy part. It was the rest of life this week that was tiring.

When I’m having one of those weeks, it can be hard to figure out how it all started. I know a couple things that triggered the beginning of it, but trying to analyze it I wonder why it is bothering me so much. I mean compared to all the other things that I have dealt with why now is this such an issue? Isn’t that weird? I can go through chemo without huge issues and now something little trips me up. But it was something I didn’t know to expect. Something that caught me totally by surprise. And I am not very good with surprises.

What is it? Well it will sound small and petty but here it is. My hair is coming in - yes that is the good part. But it is coming in all gray! Darren says it isn’t as bad as I think, but at least to me it looks dark gray. If I would have known this was even a possibility, I would have not been so shocked. But I didn’t get the memo. I didn’t know that the phrase “your hair can come in a different color” was code for if it comes in a different color it is likely to be jet black, gray, or white. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a 39 year old had anything to be concerned about in this area.

I know it is not the hugest of issues. I know that there is such a thing as hair dye. And I will use it. But until it gets long enough I have to look at it. And I don’t like it. It makes me feel old. Combining it with my new stiff joints and hot flashes only makes it worse. How did I skip past my 40s? Where did they go? When did I get old? And it’s kind of funny because every once in a while I kind of forget that I have cancer. And then I remember… and I think - is it really happening to me? But one look in the mirror reminds me. Or I roll over in bed in the morning and my fingers don’t want to work right. Who is this new person? I’m not sure I like her.

So I have to remind myself that this body is just temporary. All of us if we live long enough will experience it breaking down. What matters is the heart and soul – the eternal. And through these trials I hope that I’m learning what it is my Father would have me to learn. I read in a book recently that our job daily is just to focus on that day. On pleasing God and doing what He would have me to do that day. My job is not to worry about the future and what it might bring. 

When I get a little down, that is when the doubts start to assail me. I remember that this is a recurrence and that is a scary thing to think about. I worry about my odds. I wonder what the future holds. But that is not my job. Today is my job. And I know that God would not want me to be overly concerned about the exact percentage of chance of a new recurrence. That is not the important thing. So I refocus my thinking on God and what I should be doing today. Just today. I try not to look too far in the future. After all who knows what will actually happen. 

This all reminds me of the section in Matthew 6 about worry. The verse that concludes that section says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I guess that pretty much sums it all up doesn’t it?