A Tiring Week and Focusing on the Important

I’ve been having one of those weeks. Not the worst in the world but by the end of it I’m tired. It kind of feels like things have been piling up on me and I’m ready for a break. And here is the thing. It has little to do with radiation. That has been going pretty smoothly still. I am now a little itchy and sore in places, but it is not a big problem. Radiation is the easy part. It was the rest of life this week that was tiring.

When I’m having one of those weeks, it can be hard to figure out how it all started. I know a couple things that triggered the beginning of it, but trying to analyze it I wonder why it is bothering me so much. I mean compared to all the other things that I have dealt with why now is this such an issue? Isn’t that weird? I can go through chemo without huge issues and now something little trips me up. But it was something I didn’t know to expect. Something that caught me totally by surprise. And I am not very good with surprises.

What is it? Well it will sound small and petty but here it is. My hair is coming in - yes that is the good part. But it is coming in all gray! Darren says it isn’t as bad as I think, but at least to me it looks dark gray. If I would have known this was even a possibility, I would have not been so shocked. But I didn’t get the memo. I didn’t know that the phrase “your hair can come in a different color” was code for if it comes in a different color it is likely to be jet black, gray, or white. I didn’t know. I didn’t know that a 39 year old had anything to be concerned about in this area.

I know it is not the hugest of issues. I know that there is such a thing as hair dye. And I will use it. But until it gets long enough I have to look at it. And I don’t like it. It makes me feel old. Combining it with my new stiff joints and hot flashes only makes it worse. How did I skip past my 40s? Where did they go? When did I get old? And it’s kind of funny because every once in a while I kind of forget that I have cancer. And then I remember… and I think - is it really happening to me? But one look in the mirror reminds me. Or I roll over in bed in the morning and my fingers don’t want to work right. Who is this new person? I’m not sure I like her.

So I have to remind myself that this body is just temporary. All of us if we live long enough will experience it breaking down. What matters is the heart and soul – the eternal. And through these trials I hope that I’m learning what it is my Father would have me to learn. I read in a book recently that our job daily is just to focus on that day. On pleasing God and doing what He would have me to do that day. My job is not to worry about the future and what it might bring. 

When I get a little down, that is when the doubts start to assail me. I remember that this is a recurrence and that is a scary thing to think about. I worry about my odds. I wonder what the future holds. But that is not my job. Today is my job. And I know that God would not want me to be overly concerned about the exact percentage of chance of a new recurrence. That is not the important thing. So I refocus my thinking on God and what I should be doing today. Just today. I try not to look too far in the future. After all who knows what will actually happen. 

This all reminds me of the section in Matthew 6 about worry. The verse that concludes that section says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I guess that pretty much sums it all up doesn’t it?

Praising the Lord

Today is a great day! The weather is finally cool. It’s Friday! I’m almost half-way through with radiation. My skin although it is now turning red is still not very itchy. And my energy levels continue to improve. I actually was able to keep up with 24 preschoolers on Wednesday night for Awana! (I think that says a lot doesn’t it?) Yes, today is a great day that the Lord has made.

It’s easy to say that on days like this isn’t it? When my heart is light and full of praise songs, it’s easy to count my blessings. But I was reminded today of a song that meant so much to me last year - when my heart wasn’t so light because I had just been diagnosed with cancer. I was scared and wasn’t sure if things were ever going to be OK again. But at church one of those first Sundays after I found out I had cancer, we sang “Blessed Be Your Name” by Matt Redman. It is a good song that talks of praising our God.  No matter what.  I remember I was singing along to that song with everyone else but I was kind of distracted. And then we got to the part that goes:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

When I heard these lyrics, it was very powerful for me. I realized at that moment that I had a choice. I did not have a choice whether or not I would get cancer that is true. But I did have a choice how I was going to react to it. I could get mad. I could feel sorry for myself. I could let my sadness get the best of me. Or I could choose to praise God through this trial. The one word “choose” from the song was what made such a huge impact on me. Just that one word. You see sometimes when things are spirally out of control we feel like everything is happening to us and we can’t control anything. But I realized we can always, always choose our reaction to those trials. And I decided that day that I was going to choose to praise God through this whole trial. No matter what the outcome in the future turns out to be.

This is the song that came back to me this morning. Yes today it is a praise song. I am content and happy and it is easy to say “Thank you God for this day.” But it is my continued goal to choose to praise God no matter what. So today I remember where I have been and where I am now and I thank God for His continued blessings in my life. 

Week 2 of Radiation

Just wanted to write a quick update about my week.

 I am feeling much better now. Thank you for all the prayers! I am still coughing some, but I am feeling more like myself. Looking back, I realize that the pneumonia really affected me. It was really hard to deal with everything last week, and the thought of going for radiation for the whole month of September seemed like an impossible task. But this week is much better.

I have now completed 8 radiation treatments. I wish I could say that was 8 out of ??  but my doctor seems to like to make the final decision on total treatments until closer to the end. The woman after me for radiation is in week 4 and just now found out her total number of treatments. I do know though that I have 25 whole breast treatments scheduled, and he said that as long as my skin holds up I should plan on 30 – 33 total treatments. So I guess if I do the math that means 5-8 boost treatments at the end. The boost treatments just treat the scar area right where the cancer was found.

This week radiation has gone very smoothly. The drive really is the longest part. My energy level this week is much improved from last week, but I still find myself pretty tired in the afternoon. I do not know if this is from chemo, pneumonia, the long, morning drive, or what. I am guessing though that it is too soon to blame radiation. As for my skin, I am now just starting to see a faint redness to the skin that is receiving radiation. It is not dramatic yet though and doesn’t hurt.

One other thought for the week. I found this verse this week and have been thinking about it.

 “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

My Bible notes say that we do not know exactly what Paul went through that caused him to write this, but we do know that he faced many trials while sharing the Gospel. His trials caused him to fear for his life, and that fear drove him to God. He realized that he could not solve his own problems by himself. He could not get himself out of the situation he was in. And he says that this all happened so that he would realize that he needed God.

Cancer can feel like a death sentence too sometimes. When in treatments, you can feel a little more in control because you are doing something to try and help yourself. But the waiting, oh the waiting, that is a different story. It can drive you crazy if you let it. But this isn't just happening to me for no reason. No, He wants to teach me to rely only on Him. To look to him for ALL my needs. Not just the big ones. I am learning this slowly. I’m a work in progress right? :o)