Week 2 of Radiation

Just wanted to write a quick update about my week.

 I am feeling much better now. Thank you for all the prayers! I am still coughing some, but I am feeling more like myself. Looking back, I realize that the pneumonia really affected me. It was really hard to deal with everything last week, and the thought of going for radiation for the whole month of September seemed like an impossible task. But this week is much better.

I have now completed 8 radiation treatments. I wish I could say that was 8 out of ??  but my doctor seems to like to make the final decision on total treatments until closer to the end. The woman after me for radiation is in week 4 and just now found out her total number of treatments. I do know though that I have 25 whole breast treatments scheduled, and he said that as long as my skin holds up I should plan on 30 – 33 total treatments. So I guess if I do the math that means 5-8 boost treatments at the end. The boost treatments just treat the scar area right where the cancer was found.

This week radiation has gone very smoothly. The drive really is the longest part. My energy level this week is much improved from last week, but I still find myself pretty tired in the afternoon. I do not know if this is from chemo, pneumonia, the long, morning drive, or what. I am guessing though that it is too soon to blame radiation. As for my skin, I am now just starting to see a faint redness to the skin that is receiving radiation. It is not dramatic yet though and doesn’t hurt.

One other thought for the week. I found this verse this week and have been thinking about it.

 “Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” 2 Corinthians 1:9

My Bible notes say that we do not know exactly what Paul went through that caused him to write this, but we do know that he faced many trials while sharing the Gospel. His trials caused him to fear for his life, and that fear drove him to God. He realized that he could not solve his own problems by himself. He could not get himself out of the situation he was in. And he says that this all happened so that he would realize that he needed God.

Cancer can feel like a death sentence too sometimes. When in treatments, you can feel a little more in control because you are doing something to try and help yourself. But the waiting, oh the waiting, that is a different story. It can drive you crazy if you let it. But this isn't just happening to me for no reason. No, He wants to teach me to rely only on Him. To look to him for ALL my needs. Not just the big ones. I am learning this slowly. I’m a work in progress right? :o) 

Pneumonia, Radiation, and New Chemo Side Effects Oh My!

This has been a very tiring week for me. Not only did I start radiation this week, but if you aren’t on Facebook and didn’t hear, I found out that my respiratory bug ended up being walking pneumonia.  I have had a cough for a while, and yes I should have gone to the doctor sooner but I kept putting if off thinking that I was getting better. Not real smart I know but it has been a little overwhelming for me getting adjusted back to the school routine with my energy levels so low. I realized this week though that my cough wasn’t getting better and that I felt worse this week than I did a couple weeks ago when I was closer to the last chemo treatment. The doctor said that my chest x-ray really didn’t show anything but when listening to me I sounded terrible. I am being treated right now as if it is bacterial walking pneumonia. If it does not get better, the doctors may have to start looking into other possible causes. I was a little surprised to learn that one of the chemo drugs that I took can cause lung toxicity although not commonly. I’m just praying that I just have normal pneumonia and that my compromised body will now be able to fight it with the help of antibiotics.

I have now had four doses of radiation and am learning the routine. The first day it took about half hour but I was told that they had to do extra scans that day to make sure my marks were still in the correct places. I guess they will periodically do this throughout treatment. I will also see the doctor once weekly to check my skin and radiation area. On all the other days it will be a very quick in and out. It probably only takes five minutes to get me lined up on the table and do the radiation. I also found out for sure this week that the doctor’s plan for me involves using a bolus for most of the treatments. Since my doctor really hadn’t told me a lot up front, I did what I always do and researched. From this research I knew that the bolus was coming and that I wasn’t going to like it. Bolus is a fancy term for a warm wet towel. It feels really good and the technician said that many women mistakenly think that they are doing them a favor when they apply it, but they are not. What it does is “trick” the machine. Deeper tissue gets more radiation than the skin. This is usually what you want for a lumpectomy patient, but for a mastectomy patient the most likely places that the cancer will recur is in the skin or chest wall muscle. So the bolus “tricks” the machine and the skin now seems like deeper tissue thus getting more radiation than normal. This means that the skin is much more likely to break down and get more irritated. It is not a given though. Some women still make it through OK I’m told.

As I said, this week has been a tiring week. I feel like it has been harder to deal with stuff probably because I have been sick. I am now six weeks out from chemo and I had felt that I was now starting to get into the safe zone where I wouldn’t see new side effects. Unfortunately Taxotere seems to be the chemo that keeps on giving. One morning I woke up to notice that half of one of my eyebrows is now gone. I had been so glad to see that my eyebrows and eyelashes had remained after four treatments and now this happens. My nails are now also starting to pull away from the nail bed. Surprisingly it is not super painful, but it was kind of upsetting to see both of these things happen when I thought I was past all this. If they would have happened during chemo treatment, I think I would not have so shocked by them.  But it is what it is.

Thanks for all the responses to my Facebook post for prayers. It is comforting to know that I have lots of friends praying for me! Hopefully this next week will go a little more smoothly! I know that no matter what happens that God is still in control and has a plan.

Radiation starts next week

I have a start date for radiation. It is next Tuesday the 27^th and I was able to get a morning time that will work with the school schedules. This is an answer to prayer, but it will also make our morning a little hectic as I will need to make sure all of us are fed and dressed and out the door by 8:00 sharp. I have been a little more run down this week, so I am hoping that by next week I will feel a little more energetic. I have been fighting a respiratory bug for a while now, and I think that the combination of it and the back-to-school craziness has made me more tired. Of course I’m still not back to 100% from chemo so that doesn’t help either.

Yes school has started! All the boys seem to be adjusting pretty well. My youngest is now in kindergarten and he has had a good first two days. It’s kind of sad to see the last going off to school, but at the same time I know that he is ready. I don’t know if it is just me or not, but I kind of dread the beginning of each year. Each of my boys has to quickly figure out what this new teacher expects and how she operates her class. I have to do it times three. For some kids this doesn’t bring a lot of stress, but for at least one of my boys it does. I know where he gets it from. I was the same way each year when I was in school. He loves school and will relax soon, but it is the unknown at the beginning. So I can’t wait to get these new school jitters out of the way. Once we know what to expect and get our routine down, things will go much more smoothly.

On a totally different note – I have peach fuzz on the top of my head. Not all over. Just the top section. It is very fine, soft, light-colored hair. It reminds me of the first hair that babies have. It will be five weeks tomorrow since my last chemo. I had heard it takes a while to start growing hair. I guess they were right. This peach fuzz is a start, but hopefully soon something more will start to grow. :o) 

Radiation and Hormones

I had two important doctor’s appointments Thursday, and I’m just now getting around to updating everyone. Darren and I went to Galena for a long weekend. The boys went to Grandma and Grandpa’s. It was very nice to be able to get away just the two of us. We needed a break from all the cancer stuff. But anyway here are the highlights from the visits. I’m now working on two different fronts to fight the cancer. With my type of breast cancer there are four ways to fight it:

1. Surgery – been there and done that a couple times now
2. Chemo – just got done with this!
3. Radiation – I will be starting this very, very soon
4. Hormonal therapy – I tried one drug last year that didn’t work, I am starting a new drug now

Not everyone that has breast cancer will have to receive all these types of treatment. Last year I only had surgery and hormonal therapy. This year I will receive treatment in all these areas with the hopes that the cancer will be stopped. Of course the most important way of fighting cancer is prayer. God is in control yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

As of Thursday, I am now starting treatment with radiation and a new hormonal therapy.

Radiation

I saw my radiation oncologist and was mapped to prepare for radiation. What this involves is a CT scan to determine where all my major organs are. I was then marked with three X’s so that the technicians will be able to position me exactly each time I go in to receive radiation. As you can imagine, it is very important to get this step as exact as possible. I, for one, would like my heart and lungs to be out of the radiation fields. I was told that it would take 5 – 10 business days after mapping to be ready to start radiation. This means that I will be starting radiation either late this week or more than likely next week. My kids start back to school Monday – a week from today. I’m a little nervous about how all this is going to work. They all three will be in school, and I’m hoping for an easy, smooth start to the school year for all of them – especially my youngest who starts kindergarten. I will have 30 treatments. This means six weeks of Monday – Friday treatments. I’m told the treatments don’t take long. I’m sure the drive will take longer. I do not have a time for radiation yet. That is scheduled once they are ready to start.

I was also told that since I have had a mastectomy that radiation is usually a little harder than for someone who has just had a lumpectomy. I was nervous about this already. I have very, very little tissue on my chest wall now. The doctor confirmed my concerns. He did tell me though that each person is different. He said that we might be pleasantly surprised, and I could get through this with little problems. If I do have issues, it will most likely be with my skin and how it holds up. Please pray that God will help me through this next step and that the radiation will cause minimal issues.

Hormonal Therapy

I am embarking on new territory now. I am officially menopausal at the age of 39. Thursday I was given a Lupron shot that suppresses my ovaries for six months. I have been hesitant to do the Lupron shots. I have already made the decision to have my ovaries removed soon to permanently take care of the issue, but I gave in to having one shot. It is so important to start hormonal therapy as soon as possible. Estrogen is like the fuel for my type of cancer. If I reduce the estrogen in my body, there is a better chance that the cancer will not be able to grow. So I did the shot. But I have already scheduled my hysterectomy for November 7. I had to wait until November to have it because my body needs time to heal from chemo, and it is important to start radiation now.

I am also now taking a new drug. It is called Arimidex. I was told at Northwestern that it is a little more effective than the drug that I was on last year. Arimidex requires me to be fully menopausal to take it though - thus the Lupron and hysterectomy. There are a lot of possible side effects from Arimidex. You might not know this but even after menopause women still have a little estrogen. This is made in several places in their body. Arimidex prevents even this estrogen. This is great in terms of fighting cancer, but it can cause problems too. Bone and joint issues are one big area. BUT some women take it and do well. Please pray for me as I adjust to not only menopause but also to Arimidex.

Thanks for the prayers!

So Long Chemo You're History

I’m done with chemo! Yes, it is official. And I’m done with the worst of the side effects I think. What a relief! Now I just have to be patient as I wait for my body to heal and slowly get back to normal. My legs are still sore and weak, and I get tired really easily but that is to be expected. I know not to expect too much until I get a month out from my last treatment. After all, I’m used to the symptoms for the first three weeks after a treatment, but at least this time I know that as I make positive strides I won’t have to watch them disappear with another treatment. Yeah!

I am thankful for so much even though chemo wasn’t much fun. I am thankful for the great support our family got from our church, family, and friends. All the meals that were brought, offers to help watch the boys, and encouraging cards, words and prayers have meant so much to me. I know that I could not have done this without all the help. Thank you so much!

I am also thankful that I still have all my nails, eye brows, and lashes. I also did not have any major complications from the chemo. I did not even get the cold my boys have had. I know that God has been protecting me from the worst possibilities as I go through this.  

So what is next? That is the question I get asked the most now. I meet with my oncologist and my radiation oncologist on August 8. On that day I expect to discuss what comes next. I know that I need to start taking a new drug because of the estrogen receptors of my cancer. I’m sure we will discuss this. I also know already that I need radiation. I will be meeting with that doctor to discuss when this will start. I’ll let you know more about this as I find it out. 

Last chemo treatment

Tomorrow (Thursday) is my last chemo treatment. I feel like I should be more excited about this than I am. Don’t get me wrong. I am aware that this process will be over soon. I can’t wait to start feeling better consistently. But right now I am focused on what I have to do. The weekend after chemo is not fun, and I feel like I need to get through this before I can truly think about this thing ending. It’s hard to be excited about doing something that will make you sick. Check back with me on Tuesday, and I will be a lot more relieved to be through the worst of it. 

Yesterday as I was thinking about starting the chemo treatment process again, I opened up Our Daily Bread to see what the devotion was for the day. Of course it would have to apply. God is like that isn’t He? Here are some of the verses that were in it:

And lest I should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  II Corinthians 12:7-10

That gave me something to think about yesterday. Paul’s attitude about his “thorn in the flesh” is awesome. I wonder though how long it took him to progress to the point of taking pleasure in his infirmity. From what I have read no one knows what his problem was. My Bible notes say that it may have been an eye problem, malaria, or epilepsy. Who knows. I think he intentionally doesn’t tell us because it is not the most important part. But since many scholars think that it is a physical ailment, it makes it easy for me to relate. I guess I now have a thorn in the flesh.

I definitely relate to the praying multiple times for it to be taken away. I think I can understand where Paul was when he asked not to have to deal with his illness anymore. But look at God’s answer to that prayer. God doesn’t say, “Yes I will do this for you like you would like.” No, He answers, “No, child there is a reason for this illness. I know it is hard, but I will be with you through this. The reason for this illness is to show you and others that I am all you need. If you were strong physically, you may start to think that you can do it on your own. This illness will help you to lean on Me more. My strength will shine through brightly then.” Well those weren’t God’s exact words. His are in the Bible, but this is my paraphrase. 

I wonder how Paul felt when he got this answer. Was he angry for a short time? Sad? Or did he get it right away? I know that I have gone through many emotions as I deal with cancer. But however he initially felt, we know his end thoughts. He wants to speak of his weaknesses not what he as a person can do. If he is going to go around talking about something, it is going to be how God has used his illness to bring glory to Himself. Paul realizes that through this illness he is closer to God. He doesn’t like the illness, but he knows that God is using it in his life. And this leads to his last statement. He actually says that he takes pleasure in his illness and other problems because he knows then that God’s strength is helping him. Wow!

I don’t know about you, but I am not quite to the last part. I understand that God is using cancer in my life. I know that it has made me draw closer to Him. I know that I can’t do it all on my own. But I don’t think that I can say that I am happy that I have cancer yet. I guess I am still a work in progress. But I have actually heard a woman say that same thing to me. She is a wonderful Christian woman and she told me that she is glad for the cancer because of what it has done for her spiritual life. She takes pleasure in her close relationship with God, and knows that the cancer –her weakness - has been used to bring this about. Maybe someday I will be able to say the same thing. Until then please pray for me this weekend if you think about it. It won’t be fun, but I know that God is with me and will use this process to His benefit in my life.

Chemo Desert

Today is a good day. I am finally feeling more myself, and the best news is that I am alone! My older two kids had a fun educational day already planned and a friend took Ethan for a play date this afternoon. So the kids are having fun, and I can do as I choose without having to dread the next “Mom, can you get….” I thought that I would surely sleep all afternoon while they are gone, but once I ate lunch I realized that I needed something more than sleep. I needed some time to just ponder God’s Word and be quiet.

I will not lie. This last chemo treatment was pretty rough. It seems like with each one I start feeling bad sooner and it lasts longer. This time I continued on into Monday with my fever and discomfort. It really is hard to describe how it feels that first weekend. I am pretty miserable from head to toe. It is hard to just make myself take a drink and yet I know I need to. But when it starts to lift Darren says it is obvious just by the way I look and act. Maybe it is the fact that I'm sitting up. :o)

Today though is the beginning of the better days. I'm still tired and achy, but better. I was told by my doctor that I am now anemic. I asked her what I could do to help this situation and she said nothing. My anemia is caused by the chemo suppressing my bone marrow. This is a different kind of anemia than normal, so taking iron will not really help. Only time to heal will help. She also told me that if it gets low enough that she can give me a blood transfusion to help me with red blood cells. I am a ways from that point now though, so at this point I must get used to the tiredness. I must have looked pretty sad though this weekend when I managed the stairs and plopped down on the couch breathing heavy.

But enough about the physical. As chemo makes me more tired, I can see how that starts to affect my mood and spirit. This weekend at times I found myself a little more desperate than in weeks past. At those times it is so easy to look forward and say I can’t do it. And yet I know it is important to just stay in the moment and not get ahead of myself. We are not asked to finish the whole race in one day. Just one little piece of it. But when we aren’t feeling well why then do we remind ourselves of future hurdles when the one we are on is big enough?

So that is why I wanted to spend a little more time in the Bible today. I wanted to refresh myself. To remind myself that I am not alone. As I thought about it, it felt like the weekend was a desert. Very dry and barren. With not much to give life. It was something to be endured. I wanted to make sure though that it wouldn’t keep me down. I do not want to obsess about it because I know I must do it one more time. So I turned to the Psalms. I can always find a Psalm to relate to no matter how I am feeling. I love that about the Psalms. Today I was drawn to a very familiar Psalm – Psalm 139. Verses 7-10 say:

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,

Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.”

Isn’t that beautiful? No matter what I go through or where I go I am never alone. God will always be there guiding me. In the lowest of the lows He is there comforting. In the highest of the highs He is there for me to praise. That is what I needed today. Just to remember that no matter what I am not alone. My God is there with me and always will be!